Looking for love in all the wrong places.” That accurately describes how I was living in my mid- teens and early twenties. There was a lot of brokenness and emotional instability in my family and home life, so I looked for acceptance and love from other people. I was living a lifestyle apart from God, including promiscuity, alcohol, and generally doing what I wanted, when I wanted.
I had a partner, but I was sure that I never wanted to be a mother and that I would not be a good one. During that time, I had more than one unexpected pregnancy. I remember feeling shocked and then just numb. It seemed like the only choice for me was to terminate these pregnancies. I didn't consider my partner when I decided to have the abortions; I was determined that an unexpected pregnancy would not be a part of my life.
I lived in a small town and there wasn't really a place to go for information or support other than the local doctor. I was never offered any other option in the doctor's office. I guess I'll never know if someone explaining my other options would have changed things for me. Maybe I would have made a different choice. But I chose abortion, and my doctor sent me to the “big city” to have it done.
I remember feeling very alone. I was away from my family and I was living a life and making choices contrary to what I knew to be right. I chose abortion because I thought it would let me live as if these pregnancies had never happened. But abortion only ended the pregnancy; it didn't change that I had been pregnant and that I would never be the same.
Despite how I was living, I was raised to know about Jesus - His salvation and the hope we can have in him. But I think I also had a false sense of hope in myself. I was young and still excited for my future. I did my best to just get on with my life and not think about the abortions and the choices I had made. But I could never really forget.
Both my parents were Christians by this time and were praying for me. Looking back I know that made a difference. Even though I wasn't living for God at the time or even acknowledging Him, I know He was the one who helped me during those difficult years.
My good news is that I had an encounter with God when I was 28 years old and since then He has transformed my life. I am now 55 and He has changed my life in ways that I didn't think were possible. All those years of confusion and heartache were redeemed. Not only did Jesus bring healing to my heart where it was broken for my unborn children but He also blessed me with three beautiful children to raise.
Now I am so excited to share His love and forgiveness with others. He healed my broken heart and restored my life and I know He will do that for others who have made the same choices I have. One of my favorite messages of Hope is from Psalm 139. In that chapter God tells us that He knew us in our mother's womb and he knows the number of hairs on our head. And that no matter where we go or what we do, He is with us and He will never leave us. I have experienced this. I know it is true.
Even if you have gone through an abortion there is still hope to be found in God. He can heal and restore your life to being better than it was before. He knows your past and yet He loves you. He knows you and loves you and He will forgive you. All you have to do is ask Him today.
I have another favorite verse in the Bible and it explains this so well. Luke 7:47-48 says,“I tell you, her sins—and they are many—have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little, shows only little love.” Then Jesus said to the woman, “Your sins are forgiven.”
I have received that forgiveness and His love, and it's changed my life. You can have that too.